MALLEYMAN

Sean Lock – ‘I love history. I genuinely do.’
Jimmy Carr – ‘Well, of course you do. you’ve been around for most of it.’

I’m beginning to feel that way a bit myself.

When I was young, anything that happened in the world before I was born felt pre-historic, as ancient as the pyramids, all in black and white, detached from the modern times that I belonged too.

Now I think back to memories of when I was a child, let’s say forty odd years ago I realise that age forty years before that was the middle of World War II. Time is foreshortened and events that once seemed ancient and peopled by these historic figures set in stone, I now realise were just normal lads and ladies, exactly like people now, doing stuff and it wasn’t that long ago at all.

Aged 14-ish, though I’m not quite sure what epoch that haircut belongs to.

Brand recognition and association is a central element in marketing. I remember when I visited Berlin, I was really moved by seeing the city as it is now and how it exists in our perception in the 21st century. What a transformation. What’s the first thing I think of when I think of Berlin, the fall of the wall certainly, but since then, art, counter culture, mullets, an underground scene, disco pop. And not what came before. It’s impressive. And heartening.

Which brings me to here, where I am now, for the Touch Euros 2026, in Vichy.

The first association that came into my head was the phrase ‘the reviled Vichy regime’. Here was where the government operated from in unoccupied France during World War II, after the French forces crumbled in the face of the Nazi blitzkreig attack.

Why were they based Vichy? Ironically, since there were quite a few issues organising accommodation for the Euros this year, Vichy was chosen partly because, as a spa holiday destination for rich French people in the first half of the 20th century, it had a lot of good hotels. It also had a phone exchange so the government could stay in contact with the world.

General Phillippe Petain, a of hero of World War I, became the head of the government and the de facto ruler of France.

The regime started out with broadly good intentions., working under extremely difficult circumstances, trying to protect French citizens while always having the appease Hitler to a certain extent. Among many other factors, two million French men were being held in Germany as prisoners.

Where it ended up, with them all holed up in a castle in Germany, under the protection of the Nazis as the Allied forces advanced westwards, was bizarre, in some ways deserved, and showed some of the ugliest aspects of human nature.

Sigmaringen on the Danube, southern Germany 

A question – who provokes more revulsion, the monsters who commit the atrocities or the mealy mouthed who cosy up to them? You should read up about the Vichy regime and see what you think yourself.

For me, now, today in 2026, the Vichy brand reboot going on in my mind is that basically it’s a really pretty town, the people are nice and the sports venue is excellent.

Which brings me on to the Touch bit. We played a couple of games today by the way.

And we did our own version of the old Match of the Day segment.

Except our version went 1 Good, 1 Really Bad.

Vs Scotland

We were going into the Scotland game blind. We didn’t really know how good or bad they were. I’d looked at a little bit of footage of them but there were a lot of changes in personnel from previous tournaments . And more significantly, we didn’t really know how good or bad we were. We’d had training camps together, limited enough time, we’d run through game patterns but we’d never had those patterns tested at international level. How do players respond under pressure or when you go a score or two down?

Against Scotland, we gave away a poor early score. We responded really well. They were strong in the first half. We stayed in it. We gave away less ball than them on our drives. I scored a nice ‘punish’ or quickie on the link, i.e. I make the touch on the link, split sideways, get the ball back immediately from the dummy half and dive in at the link’s feet.

Different players stood up at different points in defence and attack. A good spirit through the team. We won 4-2. We were delighted.

Vs Italy

This went differently. We gave away an early score, a really poor one. Then another. We were getting too frantic in attack and not converting when we should have. Then they had one final set in attack before half time and we let in another poor score. 3-0 down at half-time. Then we went out in the second half, after composing ourselves and speaking well during the break, and let in exactly the same score in their first attack of the second half. You’re 4-0 down, it seeps through the team. I think it ended 8-3 or 8-4.

If you asked me who I think will win when Italy play Scotland, let’s see but maybe Scotland?

It shows that at international level, whatever the age category, you’re playing against good players. If you give them easy access into a game, they’ll take it. And it’s very hard to get it back.

So, where are we as a team? I’m still not sure. There are still so many new combinations, such a mix of experience and… I can’t really say ‘youth’… less experience. That’s the challenge I suppose.

A big day tomorrow. Three games. France. Spain. Portugal. And I have history with all three. Mostly good.